Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
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Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.