me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
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Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
God has abandoned us.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?