kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
You Might Also Like
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Oh my god
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal