Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
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The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”