Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
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[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.