Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
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Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
going to the ER y’all need anything
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.