Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
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Not now. I’m deglazing.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
You are not alone 💚
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.