Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
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First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog