Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
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Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
that colleague who touches your screen
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
I am all good here, 😂😉
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no