If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
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Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
*aggressively waits in line*
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you