“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
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Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
When can I start eating bats again.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.