[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
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I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.