Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
You Might Also Like
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
I can’t stop watching this.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Tough love is true love
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent