What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
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Well, this explains it:
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
saw this in a dream
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.