I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
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yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.