[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
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ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Those are good neighbors.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.