It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
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My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Are these grass-fed oranges?
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
these two trucks have the same bed length
screw you
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?