“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
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If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
*puts my mental health in rice
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*