Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
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interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this