dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
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Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
ok like just. call me at this point
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.