Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
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Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.