One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
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Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
I’m Sold!
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun