*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
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2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it鈥檚 actually kinda fun you should try it.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
If you know a girl who uses metric I鈥檇 love to meter.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you鈥檙e killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
馃摴 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Sure, we鈥檝e all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we鈥檙e all grounded.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
is this a threat
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i鈥檓 so sorry)
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.