Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
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Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
live long and prosper!
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.