*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
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Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.