Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
You Might Also Like
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.