The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
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I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!