Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
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Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him