I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
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Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
What a chick magnet..
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.