I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
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Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.