My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
You Might Also Like
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Rooting for the overdog
who named him groot and not spruce lee
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.