Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
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My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
A flock of dads is called a grill.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Going to church you guys need anything
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]