anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
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Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Bread puns are on the rise!
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.