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behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self