[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
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ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
I’m having an out of money experience.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Plumber: I think I found the problem
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.