I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
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I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
selfie game
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
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.
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife