Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
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There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.