I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
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I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW