How to properly lift a body
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Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.