me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
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We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
lmao
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends