“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
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My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
cause of death:
autopsy.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude