How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
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(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send