I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
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Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi