Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
You Might Also Like
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.