Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
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Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.