Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
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Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.