there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
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Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.