Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
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I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
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[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?