Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
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With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Holy shit he’s back
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*