Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
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I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
I just ran a .003048K
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.